From the “Gimme a Break” file.

In “Judges Gone Wild” Illinois Civil Justice Leaguer “Mark Swain” writes today about the DC Federal judge who is suing the pants off his local dry cleaner because they lost his pants. Mr. Swain also writes about our own Illinois State Supreme Court Chief Justice Bob Thomas who recently successfully sued a newspaper columnist and the newspaper for which he writes.

Mr. Swain opines that pants-less Judge Roy Pearson in DC is seeking too much money (he is seeking $54 million after being talked down, though Mr. Swain incorrectly still lists his original suit for $67.3mil). And Mr. Swain also believes that Chief Justice Thomas’ accused could not have ever hoped for a fair trial in Illinois courts given Thomas’ position and the fact many of the witnesses on Thomas’ behalf were also judges, Supreme or otherwise.

Mr. Swain seems to come at this from a rational perspective — that these lawsuits are ridiculous and over-the-top — but he fails to see the point by calling them unfair. What Mr. Swain apparently doesn’t realize is that everyone is entitled to their day in court. Sure, most people would rather work through a problem and negotiate a mutually-agreeable compromise before landing in court, but sometimes the courtroom is the final destination.

As Americans we all have that right. Doesn’t mean we’ll win our case as we see it, but it does mean that we as Americans have a last resort, a place that should be a level playing field for all, to address our grievances.

Now if only Mr. Swain would complain about businesses suing businesses lacking in senses of fairness, proportionality, and judgment (that is where most of the conservatives’ nefarious “frivolous” lawsuits come from, after all). In recent weeks, Yellow Dog Democrat noted what would appear to many to be a highly-charged frivolous lawsuit as the makers of Equal fake sweetener sued the makers of Splenda fake sweetener.

Essentially, Equal was suing Splenda because Splenda used the claim “Made from sugar so it tastes like sugar.” Mr. Swain’s hyperbolic claims of “Ridiculous? Outrageous? Gross abuse of judicial process? Yes! Yes! Yes!” also apply to Equal, which was decidedly advocating inequality in good taste and fair play.

Well, at least half that statement is true. Splenda is made from sugar. I suppose the second half of the statement could be up for debate, but to my wife and I (and apparently Yellow Dog Dem) the yellow stuff sure tastes more like the white stuff than the blue stuff or pink stuff. And even though that opinion is just that, an opinion, is it worthy of a lawsuit? To Equal (a brand that was losing big-time to Splenda in the ‘free’ market) it certainly was worth a lawsuit as they claimed the Splenda marketing slogan somehow misled consumers into thinking Splenda was more natural or healthier than other brands of fake sugar (even though the slogan was at least half-true — “made from sugar” — and arguably entirely true).

And that, for better or worse, is the beauty of America. Come up with a better tasting and more profitable artificial sweetener … lose a pair of pants … call your fellow Supreme Court benchmates as witnesses … and you just may get the pants sued off your sweet little behind.

You don’t like it? Move to an unAmerican country.